11 things that has helped me connect better with people

I was coming off a huge low last year - which meant having to revive and almost re-learn how to be a better person and step-up for my people and not play the victim or martyr card incessantly. The gratitude towards the small set of people who came through when I needed them manifested in all the functioning relationships I had and I realised how joyful being authentic and vulnerable is. Since I love making lists and want to reassure myself of the progress I made during these lonely quarantine times , here are few things that helped me to repair some old friendships and find some new lovely ones.

1. Not emphasising on language: This is the easiest change with high ROI. Even though I was never a full fledged grammar nazi, I co-related being adept at putting my thoughts out with how fancy my language was. Now I switch to my mother-tongue almost immediately if the other person is comfortable. I stopped double checking my sentences worrying whether I chose the right word and spend more time on how I can simplify it further. I began asking people suggestions how to better phrase something and became unapologetic about making mistakes. What a relief it has been !
2. Not sharing my opinion on looks : This per se was an unconscious habit and I just started being more mindful and extra. I have never given a negative opinion about anyones looks so far — No you put on weight, No the hairstyle doesn’t suit you, No this dress looks weird. Almost every time someone has solicited my opinion on how they look, I always reply in superlatives — sexy, hot stuff, bombshell, handsome. Do I always feel that way? Honestly No. But I know I have been conditioned by the society and the fashion I was exposed to, to perceive certain things as pretty and certain things as not. And my opinion is moot. So I can as well encourage some one to buy that jacket and get that haircut. Go capitalism !
3. Not questioning about milestones : This is due to the frustration of being on the receiving end. I realised I was gravitating more towards the people who cared more about my everyday well-being than probing about milestones and thrusting that as well-intentions. So no more ‘who are you seeing’, ‘when are you getting married’, ‘when is that baby coming’, ‘where is that house’.
4. Not one-upping someone’s achievements : The huge problem with Indian society is we are never taught to be happy for someone without wanting that for us. I still feel very uneasy when my ex or old crushes or colleagues reach out to share their news of progress in relationships or career. I am still learning to swallow the urge to throw my wins or even worse spin a win to not lose face.
5. Not one-downing someone’s problems : There is nothing annoying than someone trivialising our problems with a bigger one of their own. Huge part of being there for people involves listening — to repetitive, mundane, clearly avoidable, easily solvable problems. Everyone wants to feel heard and everyone’s story is unique. Shoving a bigger problem or world poverty and forcing gratitude down the throat IS NOT helping someone.
6. Not worrying about saving small pennies : This is a personal mind shift. I was brought up in an environment where money was considered a scanty resource and I was accountable for every penny I spent. I grew up with huge guilt of spending money for myself and more so for others. Most of my gifts were hand-made ( still is, but for different reasons ) and I was very careful of the invitations to socialize. Now I go out often, I am not concerned about picking up tabs and booking tickets, buying that dress my friend tried on, getting that gift I want to. I started factoring in joy and social connections as essential commodity.
7. Giving well thought out compliments : I generally have the reputation of being a smooth talker and had to fine tune a few things on how I hand out compliments. I got weirdly specific and made keen observations to not dish out empty calories. I used it as a tool to make people to like me better and break ice. Now I use it to emphasise what I learnt from them and like about them, to establish the significance of their contribution or just how their world view assures me. OH the way people sparkle.
8. Asking about their passion, ideas and philosophies BUT more importantly waiting till you can : This is something that runs in the family and I had a significant influence growing up. It has been the only normal for me to get to know a person. To know their deepest, unadulterated core and value system has always been the way I approach relationships. The only thing I learnt recently was the patience to SMALL-TALK. I always had a binary answer to whether I can connect or not with a person and more often than not, I missed up on a lot of beautiful people because of my inability to hold on patiently through the small boring steps that build up to the exploding authenticity I appreciate. Now I don’t mind talking about the weather, about their routine, what they had for dinner, their favourite colour before pouncing on to what they think is the essence of existence.
9. Being excited about their side projects and jump-in to participate : Most of us are looking for ideas to keep us engaged and alive. Doing things together brings people closer. So it has been a win-win to be the curious george. Want to start a work out routine ? Let’s do it together. Do you like poems ? Here are few of my favourites. Do you enjoy painting? Lets paint eggshells together. And movies. YOU SHOULD WATCH THIS. PLEASE WATCH IT NOW. LETS WATCH TOGETHER. IM COMING OVER WEEKEND.
10. Being vocal about my energy bandwidth : I cant imagine how many friendships I could have salvaged If I had communicated this upfront. Those who stuck through this are the blessings I don’t deserve. Though I actively look to improve ‘being-there’ for people, I have come to terms with how easily my social energy drains and how quickly I go back into the shell. Being extremely honest and open about this helped me set healthier boundaries and fewer disappointments.

11. Humour & memes : I wanted to stop at 10, but hey no bond is stronger than the one created over memes, vadivelu jokes, horrible puns and comic strips :’)